Is Your Communication Style Ruining Your Relationship?
The 4 Communication Styles In A Relationship
Relationship Communication Style Quiz
Communication is the base that every good relationship is built on. Poor communication is also a very common reason for why many relationships fall apart. A survey of mental health professionals conducted by YourTango found that communication problems were cited as the largest reason for divorce in 65% of divorce cases.
Good communication isn’t just important for maintaining a relationship. It’s also important for ending one. When divorce cases go to trial, important decisions are left to the judge. When you’re able to negotiate with your former spouse, you can work together to reach resolutions on important issues without relying on a judge. Often, the best possible outcome for both parties is achieved outside of the courtroom. Of course, negotiation is only possible with good communication.
If conversations always seem to go off the rails, or you feel like your opinions are never heard, it may be your communication style. Ultimately, there are four styles of communication individuals utilize. Learn what style you use most below.
Passive Communication
What is this style?
Passive communicators will avoid conflict at all costs to maintain peace in a relationship. These individuals will put their partner’s needs and wants above their own personal boundaries, rights, needs, and wants. Passive communicators are very easy to get along with, because they follow others and go with the flow.
Characteristics During Communication
- Soft-spoken or apologetic
- Slumped posture
- Poor eye contact
- Self-deprecating
- Laughter when expressing anger
- Respectful treatment of others
- Dismissal of personal stance in conversation
- Inability to say no
Pros and Cons
Passive communicators very rarely anger others. They avoid being targets in conflict by deferring to others or avoiding to voice their opinions. When passive communicators fall back on the opinions of others, they can even sometimes be defended in conflict by the individuals they defer to. This method of communication can reduce anxiety and stress in the short-term, but it can be emotionally harmful in the long run. Failing to voice opinions, needs, and feelings can lead to pent up anger and hurt that eventually boil to a breaking point. It’s easy for passive communicators to feel trampled on, which can lead to a decrease in self-esteem over time.
Examples of Passive Communication
- “Whatever you want to do is fine. I’ll be okay either way.”
- “Things are different, but it’s okay. I don’t care.”
- “We can talk about it some other time.”
- “My opinion doesn’t matter.”
Communicating With A Passive Communicator
Passive communicators will not communicate their thoughts verbally, but will often subconsciously communicate their feelings towards an issue via their body language. When dealing with a passive communicator, it’s important to make note of body language when trying to figure out how that individual truly feels. Crossed arms, deep sighs, and fidgeting all suggest some discomfort or unhappiness that should be addressed. Offer passive communicators plenty of opportunities to voice their opinions and make it very clear that the environment they are in is a safe one to share real opinions and thoughts without judgement.
Tips For Passive Communicators
Failing to take a stance on things that matter to you will slowly deteriorate your emotional and mental health. It’s important that passive communicators learn to voice their opinions and feelings when needed. It’s much easier to start practicing with family or friends where what you say is less likely to receive backlash or anger. It’s also important to learn to say no. Start with little things like invitations from friends to go out when you don’t want to. Learning to say no in smaller, insignificant scenarios will make it easier to say no when it really matters.
Aggressive Communication
What is this style?
The presence of an aggressive communicator will always be known. You’ll hear it, see it, and possibly even feel it. Unlike passive communicators, aggressive communicators are not afraid to make their needs, wants, opinion, and rights known. They will do so without any concern for crossing the boundaries of others. Too often, aggressive communicators will resort to issuing commands and asking questions in a rude manor.
Characteristics During Communication
- Constant interruption of others during conversation
- Low frustration tolerance
- Aggressive responses when threatened
- Striding around or leaving the place of conversation
- Crossed arms
- Sneering
- Spontaneous outbursts
- Yelling
- Finger pointing
- Blaming
- Expression of opinions as fact
Pros and Cons
Aggressive communicators will always have their opinions and points heard. They often don’t feel as vulnerable when sharing their thoughts, which can provide a huge sense of relief. However, being heard can come with a cost. It’s easy for aggressive communicators to hurt and alienate individuals. Aggressive outbursts can also lead to feelings of shame and guilt.
Examples of Aggressive Communication
- “It’s all your fault.”
- “You’re wrong.”
- “Don’t be stupid.”
Communicating With An Aggressive Communicator
Unfortunately, it’s very easy to respond to aggression with more aggression. However, fighting fire with fire is never a good idea. Instead, try to approach aggressive communication with patience and a calm demeanor. Let that person know that their opinions or thoughts have been heard and respond respectfully and appropriately.
Tips For Aggressive Communicators
The first step to solving a problem is always admitting that their is one. In order to change, an individual needs to be able to recognize when they are communicating aggressively and pivot. It’s okay to make your opinions and points known, but it should be done without yelling and criticizing or blaming others. If you feel your voice rising, take a deep breath and step back for a moment. Explain your needs, wants, and opinions in a calm, collected manor and remember to give others an opportunity to voice their own opinions and thoughts.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
What is this style?
On the surface, passive-aggressive communicators appear to respond to situations appropriately, but when you dig deeper, you find that they act out in very subtle ways. Passive-aggressive communicators will cross the boundaries of others in order to manipulate or control the situation without having to directly address their anger or frustration. Like passive communicators, passive-aggressive communicators will often communicate their true feelings with their body language. Passive-aggressive communicators are also known for muttering under their breadth rather than addressing an individual or confronting a problem head on.
Characteristics During Communication
- Use of shaming, blaming, or criticism
- More “you” statements than “I” statements
- A hostile attitude
- Masked anger
- Sarcasm
- A stance of superiority
- Dismissing others’ experiences
- Resentment
- Disconnect between actions and words
Pros and Cons
Passive-aggressive communication allows an individual the ability to exert control without assuming the risks and negative consequences that can be associated with direct confrontation. Because passive-aggressive communication is less hostile than aggressive communication, passive-aggressive communicators aren’t often as negatively stigmatized. However, the result of passive-aggressive communication is usually the same as aggressive communication. It’s easy to alienate and hurt individuals with passive-aggressive language.
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Communication
- “I’m not mad, but you should really know better.”
- “Sure, we’ll do things your way, but it probably won’t work as well.”
- “That’s fine for me, but it might anger some other people.”
Communicating With A Passive-Aggressive Communicator
Many individuals exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors because they don’t feel like they have a voice. Those communicating with a passive-aggressive individual should make an effort to listen and solicit their input. Humor can also be a very powerful tool. Often, humor can disarm passive-aggressive behavior if used appropriately.
Tips For Passive-Aggressive Communicators
It’s very easy to see the faults in others. It can be more difficult to recognize our own faults. The first step to eliminating passive-aggressive communication is recognizing that you engage in it. Once you realize the fault in your communication style, you can start working to be less aggressive and more assertive. Work to clearly communicate your needs and beliefs. Avoid falling back on constantly placing the blame on others. Recognize your own faults and accept blame when it is deserved. Like passive communicators, passive-aggressive communicators will need to learn to be open to confrontation. It’s important to keep in mind that confrontation isn’t always a bad thing. It can be direct and respectful if both parties approach discussion in a mature manner. It’s always easier to start practicing better communication skills with family and friends than co-workers and strangers.
Assertive Communication
What is this style?
The assertive communication style is the ideal style of communication. Assertive communicators clearly state their needs and wants and advocate for their rights while respecting the boundaries of others. Assertive communicators approach problems with the objective of achieving the most desirable outcome for both sides.
Characteristics During Communication
- Listening without interrupting
- The use of “I feel” statements
- Speaking in a clear, calm tone of voice
- Stating needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
- Constant eye contact
- Open body language
- Willingness to explore solutions
Pros and Cons
Assertive communication honors the needs of every individual involved in the dialogue. In this way, it is a very responsible form of communication that can lead to greater self-esteem and an improved quality of life. The assertive style may be viewed as threatening to some. Others may incorrectly perceive assertive communication to be aggressive. However, there aren’t many downsides to this style of communication.
Examples of Assertive Communication
- “That’s how I feel, but how do you feel?”
- “I’d like to consider all options, what are your thoughts?”
- “I respect your opinion.”
Other Communication Styles
Passive Communication
What is this style?
Passive communicators will avoid conflict at all costs to maintain peace in a relationship. These individuals will put their partner’s needs and wants above their own personal boundaries, rights, needs, and wants. Passive communicators are very easy to get along with, because they follow others and go with the flow.
Characteristics During Communication
- Soft-spoken or apologetic
- Slumped posture
- Poor eye contact
- Self-deprecating
- Laughter when expressing anger
- Respectful treatment of others
- Dismissal of personal stance in conversation
- Inability to say no
Pros and Cons
Passive communicators very rarely anger others. They avoid being targets in conflict by deferring to others or avoiding to voice their opinions. When passive communicators fall back on the opinions of others, they can even sometimes be defended in conflict by the individuals they defer to. This method of communication can reduce anxiety and stress in the short-term, but it can be emotionally harmful in the long run.Failing to voice opinions, needs, and feelings can lead to pent up anger and hurt that eventually boil to a breaking point. It’s easy for passive communicators to feel trampled on, which can lead to a decrease in self-esteem over time.
Examples of Passive Communication
- “Whatever you want to do is fine. I’ll be okay either way.”
- “Things are different, but it’s okay. I don’t care.”
- “We can talk about it some other time.”
- “My opinion doesn’t matter.”
Communicating With A Passive Communicator
Passive communicators will not communicate their thoughts verbally, but will often subconsciously communicate their feelings towards an issue via their body language. When dealing with a passive communicator, it’s important to make note of body language when trying to figure out how that individual truly feels. Crossed arms, deep sighs, and fidgeting all suggest some discomfort or unhappiness that should be addressed. Offer passive communicators plenty of opportunities to voice their opinions and make it very clear that the environment they are in is a safe one to share real opinions and thoughts without judgement.
Tips For Passive Communicators
Failing to take a stance on things that matter to you will slowly deteriorate your emotional and mental health. It’s important that passive communicators learn to voice their opinions and feelings when needed. It’s much easier to start practicing with family or friends where what you say is less likely to receive backlash or anger. It’s also important to learn to say no. Start with little things like invitations from friends to go out when you don’t want to. Learning to say no in smaller, insignificant scenarios will make it easier to say no when it really matters.
Aggressive Communication
What is this style?
The presence of an aggressive communicator will always be known. You’ll hear it, see it, and possibly even feel it. Unlike passive communicators, aggressive communicators are not afraid to make their needs, wants, opinion, and rights known. They will do so without any concern for crossing the boundaries of others. Too often, aggressive communicators will resort to issuing commands and asking questions in a rude manor.
Characteristics During Communication
- Constant interruption of others during conversation
- Low frustration tolerance
- Aggressive responses when threatened
- Striding around or leaving the place of conversation
- Crossed arms
- Sneering
- Spontaneous outbursts
- Yelling
- Finger pointing
- Blaming
- Expression of opinions as fact
Pros and Cons
Aggressive communicators will always have their opinions and points heard. They often don’t feel as vulnerable when sharing their thoughts, which can provide a huge sense of relief. However, being heard can come with a cost. It’s easy for aggressive communicators to hurt and alienate individuals. Aggressive outbursts can also lead to feelings of shame and guilt.
Examples of Aggressive Communication
- “It’s all your fault.”
- “You’re wrong.”
- “Don’t be stupid.”
Communicating With An Aggressive Communicator
Unfortunately, it’s very easy to respond to aggression with more aggression. However, fighting fire with fire is never a good idea. Instead, try to approach aggressive communication with patience and a calm demeanor. Let that person know that their opinions or thoughts have been heard and respond respectfully and appropriately.
Tips For Aggressive Communicators
The first step to solving a problem is always admitting that their is one. In order to change, an individual needs to be able to recognize when they are communicating aggressively and pivot. It’s okay to make your opinions and points known, but it should be done without yelling and criticizing or blaming others. If you feel your voice rising, take a deep breath and step back for a moment. Explain your needs, wants, and opinions in a calm, collected manor and remember to give others an opportunity to voice their own opinions and thoughts.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
What is this style?
On the surface, passive-aggressive communicators appear to respond to situations appropriately, but when you dig deeper, you find that they act out in very subtle ways. Passive-aggressive communicators will cross the boundaries of others in order to manipulate or control the situation without having to directly address their anger or frustration. Like passive communicators, passive-aggressive communicators will often communicate their true feelings with their body language. Passive-aggressive communicators are also known for muttering under their breadth rather than addressing an individual or confronting a problem head on.
Characteristics During Communication
- Use of shaming, blaming, or criticism
- More “you” statements than “I” statements
- A hostile attitude
- Masked anger
- Sarcasm
- A stance of superiority
- Dismissing others’ experiences
- Resentment
- Disconnect between actions and words
Pros and Cons
Passive-aggressive communication allows an individual the ability to exert control without assuming the risks and negative consequences that can be associated with direct confrontation. Because passive-aggressive communication is less hostile than aggressive communication, passive-aggressive communicators aren’t often as negatively stigmatized. However, the result of passive-aggressive communication is usually the same as aggressive communication. It’s easy to alienate and hurt individuals with passive-aggressive language.
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Communication
- “I’m not mad, but you should really know better.”
- “Sure, we’ll do things your way, but it probably won’t work as well.”
- “That’s fine for me, but it might anger some other people.”
Communicating With A Passive-Aggressive Communicator
Many individuals exhibit passive-aggressive behaviors because they don’t feel like they have a voice. Those communicating with a passive-aggressive individual should make an effort to listen and solicit their input. Humor can also be a very powerful tool. Often, humor can disarm passive-aggressive behavior if used appropriately.
Tips For Passive-Aggressive Communicators
It’s very easy to see the faults in others. It can be more difficult to recognize our own faults. The first step to eliminating passive-aggressive communication is recognizing that you engage in it. Once you realize the fault in your communication style, you can start working to be less aggressive and more assertive. Work to clearly communicate your needs and beliefs. Avoid falling back on constantly placing the blame on others. Recognize your own faults and accept blame when it is deserved. Like passive communicators, passive-aggressive communicators will need to learn to be open to confrontation. It’s important to keep in mind that confrontation isn’t always a bad thing. It can be direct and respectful if both parties approach discussion in a mature manor. It’s always easier to start practicing better communication skills with family and friends than co-workers and strangers.
Assertive Communication
What is this style?
The assertive communication style is the ideal style of communication. Assertive communicators clearly state their needs and wants and advocate for their rights while respecting the boundaries of others. Assertive communicators approach problems with the objective of achieving the most desirable outcome for both sides.
Characteristics During Communication
- Listening without interrupting
- The use of “I feel” statements
- Speaking in a clear, calm tone of voice
- Stating needs and wants clearly, appropriately, and respectfully
- Constant eye contact
- Open body language
- Willingness to explore solutions
Pros and Cons
Assertive communication honors the needs of every individual involved in the dialogue. In this way, it is a very responsible form of communication that can lead to greater self-esteem and an improved quality of life. The assertive style may be viewed as threatening to some. Others may incorrectly perceive assertive communication to be aggressive. However, there aren’t many downsides to this style of communication.
Examples of Assertive Communication
- “That’s how I feel, but how do you feel?”
- “I’d like to consider all options, what are your thoughts?”
- “I respect your opinion.”
